When we aren’t aware that the world is actually conspiring for our wellbeing and ultimately for the wellbeing of all others, then fear and shame can take us over or disable us. We might doubt our own basic goodness or negate who we are, mistakenly believing that we are defined simply by our behaviors or by the amount of outside acceptance that seems to come our way.
Fear is a wise and helpful emotion. It stirs us to get in touch with our innate and intuitive knowing. What is often misunderstood about the role of fear is that it feels required to step up in a way that exceeds the natural balance with other emotions, when accounting for the absence of our being able to stand our ground. When we do not have a healthy relationship with our own boundaries, fear has to do somersaults in order to keep us upright. It forces itself forward in order to protect us. Though this sounds like a good thing, it can take a toll on the body, mind, soul and relationships with others in the long-term.
Somatically speaking, the psoas and iliacus are muscles that work to stabilize our center, the pelvis, and keep us upright. They are also very sensitive muscles that tell the body and brain when to constrict and hide for cover when there is a real or even simply perceived threat. This area of the body is prone to patterned movement and holding, in conjunction with the diaphragm (for breathing) that tugs at attachment sites of nearby joints and tissues. When held for years, unreleased tension and mindbody patterns become dysfunction and pain or injury and are difficult to alter without disrupting the feedback loop of fear that keeps the prerequisite for holding in place. Often, without our knowing it, we have been operating from a certain pattern all our lives, so disrupting the pattern takes patience, determination and guidance.
We can’t speak about fear without mentioning early conditioning and attachment responses. Fears can emerge within our responses to forming healthy attachment to other adults. Whether we are afraid of being engulfed or abandoned by others (or some other version of these opposites) and commit to avoiding what we fear, we can become our own worst enemy by way of our own resistance. We are walking templates of the messages learned growing up as children. Therefore, we become imbalanced through both the body and mind: in not being able to notice, understand and gently challenge our conditioned, belief systems nor unravel unconscious, muscular contractions in the body that occur as a result of those ongoing and unexplored beliefs.
The beauty of therapy and meditation becomes an opportunity to find out what is hard for us and where we are reactive. Do we experience excess fear and distrust? Do we explode in anger easily and quickly decide that others are causing us harm? Do we maintain a viewpoint of eternal grievance toward others, always waiting to be proven right in our distrust? Are we often trying to seek out others or get away from them, or perhaps a combination of either at varying times? Are we able to ground ourselves when needed and stabilize our ability to both protect our boundaries and also stay open to others? It becomes our own genetic and familiarized patterns that we have to work with. We work with these patterns through the bodymind, recognizing how the body and mind are actually working together as a unified force to inform us.
The breath patterns are also maintained and dictated by our bodymind, and inform us as well. (The mind does not care if the threat is actual or perceived, as the breath responds in the same way regardless of the circumstances). As the body tenses, the breathing becomes shallow and quick, it then sends alarm signals throughout the brain. This occurs in the reverse order where the breathing patterning becomes shallow and quick and the body responds with tightening to ensure its protection and safety. This cycle continues, until it is interrupted through novel experiences of co-regulating our system with other safe and attuned persons and resources. As this new process of disrupting the response of fight/flight is taught to our somatic system, over time we can then provide this contact and safety to ourselves. We can learn how to open to our own discomfort and fear with as much care, gentleness and concern, as we would to someone we deeply care about.
When we become able to make friends with our distorted perceptions and experiencing (the ego), we can notice and understand the self-shaming beliefs that have dictated our old, survival level, protective systems. We can then allow these patterns to adapt to new understandings about our worthiness and our intrinsic place in the world. We can open to our experience in a way that invites kind participation with our fears, as opposed to blind and unconscious identification with the fear. We then have a chance to experience the untangling and unraveling that has kept us tied up in knots (without the necessity of substances or other forms of failed attempts at self-regulation). Overtime the body then re-writes its fear-based programs and becomes conditioned to, trusting of, and expecting of an experience of safety and reliable connection as a new home base. And this changes everything.
When we show up for our experience as it is, our being shows up for us. This results in finding space surrounding the feeling or discomfort. We then relax our resistance to it and feel ourselves become the larger awareness that the pain was held within. We become our own wise “other.” The ego and its protective forces are often not convinced that if they let go and soften that we will be okay. This becomes a process of taking two steps forward and one step back, over and over, until we can rest assured that we don’t need our resistance to shield us from the world in quite the same way as we needed to, nor do we need it to keep us tied up in knots. It becomes the ability to trust and to surrender.
Prolonged tension doesn’t feel good, especially when we don’t understand what it is needing from us. Ultimately, we all want to experience joy and vitality and be freed from the binds that tie us down and constrict our flow. Learning to provide space, warmth, and “holding” to areas of constriction in the body bring ease with the breath, safety and grounding through and into our center. As a result, we bring self-soothing and relief to a stuck and stressed system. We are worthy of this goodness, safety, care and warmth, and it is also okay when we forget this. When we meet our own experience through the lens of softening and holding, we unbind our fears, tension and pain, and help others do the same.
You are not alone if I am describing your situation. Please make contact if you would like to discuss these ideas and see if working together might be helpful to you.
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