We are living in a fast-paced, competitive environment that preferences speed, efficiency and profit. How do we take time to give ourselves what we need?
In understanding our nervous system, as well as the effect of past trauma on our nervous systems, we can endeavor to take back the pace of our lives as we value and remember to seek out, look for, and orient toward ease.
Everyone’s nervous system is either in service of supporting engagement or creating disconnection. It is our personal surveillance system: pursing safety while remaining alert. It undergoes state shifts all the time. We can find ourselves moving between feeling safe/connected, fearful/angry, or numb/disconnected, and any combination in between. There is lots of nuance, but often we are completely unaware of our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) functioning in the background of our lives. And why is this is a problem?
Because as the ANS senses danger and tries to protect us, it appears to do so instantaneously. When in actuality, it was giving us internal cues all along, but we were too busy focusing outward to notice.
We are all different. Maybe your nervous system is in the numb to shutdown area most days and you also have awareness of feeling connected sometimes too. Or maybe you oscillate between the angry state, with a flickering of feeling calm and peaceful, and then back to disconnected. How do you notice your system caring for you? How do you care for your nervous system’s needs? And how does this impact others you are around?
The varying states of our nervous system can be tracked. Why is this helpful or useful? Because we often don’t even know what we are sensing within us, what circumstance preceded it, why we responded as we did, or what to do about it. Tracking our own nervous system provides the landscape to be able to “notice the patterns,” discover a multitude of internal perspectives, and actually listen to what our mind is telling us (whether accurate or over protective). It can be useful to listen because these are communications, and when we know the language and our internal story, we can respond to our needs. Patterns repeat, and we can monitor this. This is good for us because we can begin to “map” our patterned responses internally and in the environment.
The process of tracking our nervous system is self-compassion – becoming “friendly” with ourselves.
Our ANS is continually assessing in our lives what is safe for us and what is not, based on past experiences. This is an amazing, protective, built-in feature for our system. It’s goal is to keep us alive! And it has done that all this time in order for us to grow up to become an adult.
However, over time it “learns” from our environment and builds patterns of avoidance according to its perceptions. “Perception,” is important, as there is a difference between what is “actually occurring” and our “perceptions” of what was/is occurring. Often there is a discrepancy between the two, outside of our awareness. (And that’s okay, even if it surprises/confuses the heck out of us).
Because our nervous system is working from our past experience and relating to the environment through the lens of that past experience, it projects (like a film projector) its’ beliefs onto the present moment situation. So, our beliefs were born from “our best attempt” or best guess to cognitively explain what was happening during an earlier event.
We are meaning-making machines so the mind loves to put it in a box and classify it. It writes a script for it, gives it a name, and catalogues it; done, finished. Again, it was truly the mind’s best attempt at the time, but the main point to consider is that it cares more about having us “not die,” than it does for our overall wellbeing (peace and ease).
Our nervous system looks at the world for us through those same exact beliefs, even as we’ve aged. It is “absolutely, 100% positive that this is how the world is, that there is no space and no room for interpretation of this event in any other way.” And it decides this in a split-second. (And that’s okay, because its goal was/is always survival, and not wellbeing. Again, it doesn’t care about our feeling good, but simply staying alive at all costs).
When our old beliefs (often built around protection) and learned patterns (often avoidant) are running the show, we can feel there is something missing. So, when our old beliefs and our learned patterns perceive a “similar-enough” experience and it feels overwhelming, (because we don’t know how to help ourselves), then our ANS takes us over.
The mind says, “okay, according to what I see and know, this situation looks to be the same as before and is too much,” and takes over the system in any way it can. It simply “takes us out,” to protect us.
(Wow, so amazing! Thank you ANS!)
But what if the situation was okay and wasn’t actually a dangerous situation after all… and we didn’t necessarily need to be “taken out.” Hmmmm.
The role of therapy is to re-write old beliefs that were crafted from a very small and undeveloped brain perspective, with the addition of a wider lens or view. Greater resources means more perspective, (so the system doesn’t still feel so overwhelmed each time and have to take the same patterned response by “taking you out.”) There is a wider lens to see the whole picture.
The re-crafting doesn’t just happen all on its own, though. (And this is where we often feel shame that we can’t just do it on our own in a way we feel good about. It eludes us. We feel helpless under the grip of this survival level system trying to save our lives all the time).
***What the nervous system needs is new information to learn from, or else it will go back to the only information it has to assess a situation with, which is vague at best.
It needs novel encounters, which often means it needs some new exposure. If it’s operating from the old system, then it only has the old material (like old movies) to draw from. But, the nervous system won’t like that kind of change because it has its role and is very much a “loyal soldier” to the early, defined, intelligent roles that helped you stay alive. And it won’t just voluntarily leave that position after all these years of service to you. It needs significant evidence to be convinced.
The mind much prefers to keep things simple, “that’s just the way it is” (the early beliefs/perceptions). The whole system might feel miserable, yet the mind feels more comfortable with the familiarity of it).
It’s a “known.”
Yet, the known includes the avoidances, beliefs about others that may not be true, limiting behaviors, circumstantial changes that “must” be made to accommodate things in “just the right way” for your system to feel good. It does this so the system maintains the control it believes is needed.
However, then we feel blah, life kind of sucks. It feels like there must be something more to life. It feels like we are missing out on aliveness, on something more true and dynamic.
And then, fear speaks up, “no thanks, we’re fine.”
We become distracted with the thoughts of distrust, danger, and believing that goodness is probably make-believe. The thoughts (or nervous system activation) simply don’t believe that support and care could be there in a reliable way, because it simply doesn’t fit with the previous paradigm of strategies or defenses. “It’s just not worth taking any chances again!” (It says).
Our system is pliable however, so all those perceptions and beliefs are malleable – and a new path toward something different is made from a consistent, gentle, and intentionally set tone – filled with new skills, ongoing practices, building awareness, ongoing refinement, and challenge (the building of internal and external resources).
Challenge and rest, challenge and rest.
We can challenge the system and then integrate that change through rest. This uploads new beliefs and perceptions that include areas from a larger perspective that were hidden from our awareness (when the mind simply took a quick snapshot of a troubling scene and applied it to all of life, everywhere, for all experiences, even ones only remotely similar). Because its goal is not our happiness, but simply just not dying.
Growth does not happen through feeling comfortable all the time, however.
So, as I began: the first place to start is in learning about your own ANS. Your nervous system undergoes state shifts all the time. It moves between feeling safe/connected, fearful/angry, or numb/disconnected, and any combination in between. It has lots of nuance, but often we are completely unaware of it functioning in the background. And this is a problem, because as it looks for cues of danger, it appears to do so suddenly. When in actuality, it was giving us internal cues all along, but we were too busy focusing outward to notice.
The states of our nervous system can be tracked. Why is this helpful or useful? Because we often don’t even know what we are feeling, what preceded it, why we responded as we did, or what to do about it. Tracking the nervous system provides the landscape to be able to become aware (switching on other parts of our brain). We notice our patterns (with care), discover and listen to all its perspectives (often a mix), and then provide opportunities for new information to be added into the perspective (compromise between “parts”).
When we come to understand how our nervous system learned what it learned, then we can begin to modulate its’ NEEDS (this was not possible in earlier years).
The whole system REALLY likes this.
It feels seen, honored for its heroic efforts to protect you, and (this is the most important part), willing to consider that it might allow retiring it’s position of automated defense and consider what other options exist. (This is monumental!)
Learning new practices can encourage the infusion of something other than the earlier defense systems because more energy is available in the system (if it is). Finding an opportunity for receptivity comes from tuning into your own heart’s open and energized space (even if its tumultuous and scared) while cultivating thoughts and beliefs of softness as well (perhaps at first thinking of someone you appreciate in your life already) and then “feeling the ease” inside that is created.
This breeds a shift toward looking for cues of safety, instead of the automaticity of the nervous system only looking for the next threat ahead.
It is possible to shift this trend.
The shift from fear, scarcity, and lack of trust happens through the nervous system. Once the system has shifted into threat mode it colors the entire canvas of how the world appears, and, again, often we are unaware of this shift. The nervous system states’ guide us toward re-orienting to the stability and ground of what feels connecting and grounding in the moment. We stop trying to figure it out (looping) and take action toward relief within the body (mobilization of some kind toward connection).
This new information provides more evidence of the ability to withstand challenges (small risks over and over), that work out okay (resilience). This new re-patterning grows in small increments. Since the cycles fluctuate continually on a daily basis, we move between the different states of disconnection/activation/safety with awareness of our patterns and the opportunity to re-wire new neural networks that can sense safety, instead of enduring ongoing immobilization or stuckness.
Over time, these fluctuations are not so problematic to the system at large… when there is awareness of our internal states and flexibility/capacity to take a new action and re-orient toward safety. The “parts” of us that needed to “take us out” feel heard, noticed, and don’t need to sound such alarms anymore. It doesn’t signal the danger threat inside in quite the same way that it once did.
There is greater fluidity in moving through all the states without preferencing any one particular state, because “trust” grows in knowing that through the wisdom of the body’s awareness there is change coming, while also awareness and grounding within the body to hold those fluctuations.
When focusing on working within our learned resources and capacities, we don’t have to rely on or grasp for scraps of stability from the world outside quite so much. Life starts to feel safer, not because the world changes, but because we have grown more awareness and are better caretakers of our own internal environment, with others, and in attending to our needs most readily. Within a growing internal sense of safety, we can hatch more courage, take more risks, stay focused, and achieve new, exciting things.
When in the throws of a difficult nervous system state: often angry, scared or shutdown, our “perception” becomes threat seeking (as, remember, it only cares about staying alive, it doesn’t care about us feeling good). Our thinking turns sour, we fabricate assumptions about others, maintain bias, make urgent plans to fight or separate, and generally feel out of control. Sound familiar?
Because we have become “offline” or otherwise known as being in “trauma brain” and are unaware of what nervous system state we are actually in, we are unable to move toward settling our system.
(And this is the new learning point, right here!)
In that moment of recognition, do we need to move? Speak? Change direction? Make a request? Is there some kind of unique spark familiar to our system that can keep us moving in the direction of safety and connection? If so, we orient to THAT instead…
This is not a weakness of ours (and yet most of us shame ourselves for this).
This is the place to pause and focus on what you have written down for yourself during the mapping process (see below).
Since we don’t know how to help ourselves here, so we fall to our old methods (or get “taken out”) by our old addictions (that come in to help us.)
The ANS takes over the system and sends warnings. Because our internal system is throwing up images, expectations and/or preparations to fight or encounter the thing we most fear (as if its currently happening again), we end up sending out danger signals to others around us.
The world “appears this way to us” (scary, not trustworthy, lacking) because it is the state our nervous system is in, and it is linking to our painful thinking. When we are scared or shutdown we don’t look at other’s faces, or smile, or feel magnetic to others. This leads to others avoiding us, moving away, not connecting… as they don’t sense the warmth, settled, friendliness coming their way. This triggers their nervous system to sense danger and avoid the danger.
Unfortunately, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when our greatest fear becomes a reality. We don’t feel to be met with love and connection at the time we most need. But its simply because our antenna is pulled in, we are not in a receptive mode. Because our nervous system state is sending a message of danger outward to others, (even though we are unaware of this) we are looking down, or curled in a ball, or fabricating retaliation or some version of “turned off” and “unreachable.” The other person’s nervous system is responding with separation, yet it is not personal. It is simply one ANS relating to another ANS through its communication bridge of regulation or non-regulation. It is not signifying anything about our worthiness as a person.
A settled nervous system brings settled thoughts, a chaotic internal system brings chaotic thoughts. As humans, it’s biologically wired in us: we are attracted to and brought in by warmth, smiles and friendliness (hence, a settled, and regulated nervous system).
So, a difficult nervous system state breeds and attracts survival level thinking. Because we are not able to engage our social nervous system and connect with others, our goal then becomes to work within ourselves and recall what category of nervous system response we are having, (more on this in another blog), recall what has proven to actually help us when feeling threatened, (see below) and to remember to re-orient by looking for, seeking out, and finding cues of safety.
The act of seeking cues of safety must be learned and practiced when the brain is still “online,” so that it is there for us during the times of dis-regulation, when we really need it. They include bringing into conscious awareness the people, places, actions, and behaviors that cultivate moments of feeling peace, welcome and connection FOR YOU:
Perhaps you feel connected when you think of someone specific you know, a pet, someone no longer alive, someone you haven’t met yet, or a spiritual figure (if so, write it down).
Bring that to mind and let it fill your system. (Mmm.)
Find the small actions that feel nourishing, relaxing, and inviting of connection. Keep track of the things that bring small moments of that goodness into your life (write them down) and find a way to remember that every day. (Aaahhhhh.)
Bring to mind a place in your physical home, neighborhood/community, workspace, or a place you feel a spiritual connection (and write it down). Make the practice to visit that place in-person or in your imagination and fill your system with the experience of feeling connected and safe with it. (Big sigh).
Make sure those people, places, experiences, memories, and behaviors are a big YES! inside of your system. If they don’t work toward settling you (in healthy ways) then they don’t pass the test, and we must search for different ones.
Discover those resources and revisit those experiences daily.
That is the practice. It may not sound like much, but because our mind doesn’t know if what we are imagining is real or not, it conjures up the same feel good system responses that settle us. Bringing those resources into conscious awareness daily, is the practice.
Our system only has the option to initiate the pattens that it has in place, that it has practiced, and has in its neural network to be available when needed. If we try to reach for it when we need it, without having practiced it, it won’t be there.
If no new template is in place, it will just use the old one, and we know what kind of results that brings. (If avoidance is continually practiced, then the system must maintain its earlier forms of protection, as that is all it knows, and more suffering results).
Thriving demands that our survival response is subdued, so that our social engagement system can happen. And yet, the good news is that your system has a built in bias toward moving up into the arena of regulation.
Bringing new information to the system brings new patterns, and this is learned gently, with repetition, over time. And then we forget it all and remember again.
Go gently and with care.
Remember, you are human, and this is a process, for all of us. You are not alone in this experience.
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