It’s a question that can feel both frightening and confusing. One day, you’re deeply connected to someone, and the next, it feels like the spark has vanished. But the truth is often more subtle than love simply disappearing. What usually happens is that the relationship enters a new phase — one that reveals who we are, how we function, and what kind of connection is sustainable.
In the first year or two of a relationship, there’s a kind of magic at work. Novelty, excitement, and emotional intensity create a strong sense of safety and closeness. Each partner often feels “held” — emotionally, and sometimes even practically. For people who have experienced instability, this early phase can feel like finally arriving somewhere safe. During this time, the relationship can carry each person almost as if it’s doing the work for them. It’s intoxicating and comforting, but it’s also temporary.
Eventually, the nervous systems settle. The highs fade, the novelty wanes, and differences that were invisible at first begin to emerge. Suddenly, the relationship stops providing stability and starts requiring it. This is the critical transition point — the stage that tests whether the connection can withstand the realities of adult life. It asks: Can each partner regulate their own emotions while staying connected? Can support flow both ways, or is it one-sided?
For many, this is the moment when the sense of “falling out of love” appears. It isn’t necessarily that love has vanished — it’s that the unconscious safety of being “saved” or carried by the relationship is no longer guaranteed. The relationship begins to demand something different: mutual regulation, shared responsibility, and authentic partnership. This can be uncomfortable, even painful, because it forces us to confront our own reliance, our vulnerabilities, and the ways we’ve learned to depend on others for stability.
Understanding this shift reframes the narrative of love. Falling out of love is not always a failure or a sign that you and your partner are incompatible. Often, it’s a developmental stage — a test of whether a relationship can evolve from a feeling of being carried to a partnership where both people contribute to emotional and practical stability. The challenge is to move from dependence or rescue toward interdependence: a space where support flows both ways, and each person retains agency while staying connected.
Recognizing this dynamic can transform how we approach relationships. It encourages us to notice the patterns of reliance, to reflect on what we need to regulate ourselves, and to consider whether our partnerships are structured for long-term resilience. Love, in this view, is not just a feeling; it’s a living, evolving system. And learning to navigate these shifts — however difficult — can open the door to a deeper, more sustainable kind of connection.
