It use to be regarded as effective to berate ourselves in order to do better, by telling ourselves to try harder, or accomplish more, or provide the necessary justifications for why we were not good enough, yet.
However, our internal critic can become so powerful that it drowns out our ability to tell ourselves good things, like how much we are trying, or that regardless of the outcome, we will acknowledge and celebrate our perseverance and continue to support ourselves, regardless of what happens. That’s gentleness.
The idea of criticism resulting in positive behavior has been passed down for generations, yet we are now learning how essential it is to reconsider this engrained pattern.
When we can begin to meet our feelings or emotions in the moment then we can talk to ourselves more generously and gently. This could look like saying to ourselves: “I’m right here with you. What do you actually need, right now?”
What we are often wanting is some version of feeling grounded, connected, safe, accepted, and loved, just as we are, in all our frailties. We may need to soften more, or slow down, create more structure, reach out, follow through, find faith, take in pleasure, take healthy action, strengthen, discover patience, laugh, gather, or perhaps, all of the above. Other times, we may find we have to take a risk, confront our fears, feel uncomfortable, or challenge old structures in place.
When we use our senses to ground we are allowing our bodies to find a balanced rhythm with an “other.” Touching, tasting, feeling, hearing, and seeing something tangible uses the language of the body. These comforting gestures signal to our psyche and hearts that we are listening and willing to adapt our impulsive and distracted patterned behaviors to something of more sustenance, with nurturance.
It becomes an act of kindness.
Knowing, feeling and acting as if we matter is essential to a healthy, happy and balanced life. Often times, we are unaware of the ways we stop mattering to ourselves.
Developing the capacity to “tend” to ourselves while also assessing the impact on others (though not diminishing our value) is an important skill to master and can often benefit from some fine-tuning and adjustment as an adult.
May we all continue to restore ourselves in order to deeply matter to ourselves, each other and the world.
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